So here's the thing about plans...I love them.
I love a good planner. I adore a good five year plan. I absolutely THRIVE on to-do lists. And you guessed it, I don't know what to do without a good budget and a graph as a visual.
So you can imagine my trepidation of life outside the lines, a little in the grey.
Well, that is actually giving myself a little too much credit. I get anxiety and sweaty pits when I can't CLEARLY see the next few months in the form of bullets and lists.
Yikes. I sound like a party, huh?
Yeah, I am a real bag of fun on a Friday. "Exxxxxcuuuuusseeeeee meeeeee, what are the PLANS for the ev-uh-ninnnng??" That's me. Planning Paula. Oh and not in a fun way, but 'where is the outline and do we have fun and food planned?' kinda way. Because obviously, if we are going to have fun, it needs to be on the agenda. Duh.
Before you go ex-ing out of my blog screen.... HOOOLLLLLD UP.
I do realize this is not reality, living in this fantasy to-do list. Making sure I check off goals and itemize all my lists with color coded tabs. (YES, I did that once. Okay twice. Okay more than twice.)
If life is to be lived, I need to be present in the moment. I need to be content.
Yowza. Six months ago, even typing those sentences about being content would have sent me straight into a cardiac event that would only have been remedied by a check-list of remedies provided by the Mayo Clinic or some other reputable clinic. I. Kid. You. Not. I am a special kind of crazy. I like to think its endearing. Yeah?
So where is this going, you ask? Well. I have PLANS for this post. haha. Jokes.
Okay. Serious time. (Sorta)
God has this way of getting my attention, reaching me in a way that is specific to me. It is not always painless and I don't always respond in the way I imagine I should. I can be stubborn.
I have always had a certain plan for my life. I wouldn't say I was one of those girls that knew by the age of 10 that they wanted to be a wife and mom. Actually, I never even aspired to that in high school or college. Not that there is anything wrong with doing so, I was just focused on other goals.
Goal 1: Prove myself to myself...and others.
Goal 2: Be successful
Goal 3: Graduate from undergraduate college and Graduate school
Goal 4: Be wildly successful and the best at whatever I do. Seriously. I am crazy.
Goal 5: Be independent. Financially so and in all other ways. I am fiercely stubborn about being able to handle things myself. So much that when I just cannot handle it on my own, I get frustrated, upset, and downright hard on myself. Like I have somehow failed in life by simply asking someone for help. THE WORLD IS OVER, someone helped me with my laundry or gave me a ride somewhere.
So as you are surmising, I hope, these are not attainable goals. Sure, sure they are 'reachable' goals. Nothing too crazy up in those goals. But in the context of enjoying life and enjoying my family and friends. That just won't cut it. Uh uh. I've tried tirelessly, like a hamster on a wheel, to make those goals "liveable" and "loveable".
But try as I might, I couldn't change my ways. When I didn't get something right, in my eyes, in the right time, I would just be heartbroken. For example, my health. We all know the story (if you read my blog...like at all). It comes in to play here because my illnesses have just plain GOT IN THE WAY of my five year plan. The nerve.
I was brokenhearted about this for months, no perhaps years. I wanted to finish graduate school with my friends that I started with, and go off and find a job that I loved (because I do happen to love Speech Language Pathology) and move on to phase 4 of "the plan". Buy something. Like a house or a car.
Ohhhhhh no. Not how it happened. Not. At. All.
And at first I fought back HARD, like a toddler fighting sleep. And they do fight sleep like champs. Yes. This I know. ;)
I'm still going to do this MY way, God. I won't let some silly illnesses bring me down. I am the CHAMPION of proving people wrong. Its like a challenge.
But alas, this time God made it clear. (I will explain more later.) Dana, you need to chill out, sister. CHILL OUT. Have you not noticed all the beautiful things I have blessed you with? Family? Friends? Love? Laughter?
And yet here I was asking for more, more, more. And more of what? Unimportant things. Success. Social Status. Others' opinions of me. Money. Materialistic things. Intellect. Things of this world.
I'm not saying its bad to have a solid job. Its GREAT to have that. Provision for your family is paramount. I was just measuring my self-worth by my success in this world. By my job offers. A possible 401K. Benefits. Oh yeah, and what everyone thinks of what I have done with my time and gifts.
God says I can't take any of that with me. He cares NADA about my benefit plan. About my yearly income. About whether or not I rent or own my house or whether I even live on my own!
Ouch.
All these years, all these efforts.....and the One I am to be living my life for, the One who created me, the One who has bailed me out of hard times, time and time and time again..... He. Doesn't. Care. About. Things. of. This. World.
I am supposed to be living my life for an audience of One. When it turns out...I have been living for an audience of many. That hurts. Wake.Up.CALL.
So I began this journey of living in the grey. Living in the "not so sure my life plan" zone. It was TERRIFYING and emotionally exhausting. Constantly battling thoughts of failure and "not amounting to anything". I have been through times of sadness and times feeling completely free.
My life is not what I thought it would be, but gosh, it is SO much better. I can't wait to share with everyone how God has redeemed this "situation" and most of all, how He has redeemed and saved a girl clutching to a planner like life-support.
I still have a planner. Don't get me wrong. I am just plain flighty without it. But through the next few posts, hopefully you will see the change and the freedom that comes with letting God lay out our five year plan, one day at a time.
living abundantly,
dana
