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My papa has dementia. Progressive dementia caused and complicated by many things; a traumatic brain injury when he was younger being one of those things. He is a true hero. A survivor. A miracle. After proudly serving his country in the military, surviving a major car accident and coma, being shot when he was serving in the military, surviving sepsis...he continued on with strength. Because of these things, his dementia looks a little different than a typical Alzheimer's patient.
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Visiting Papa this last trip was so very hard on my heart. He is now living in a separate home than Mama (my grandmother), his lifetime love, because of the progressive dementia. This trip was different...visiting him in his new home and reminding me yet again of our family's struggle to love him while he is still "here" and yet miss him so badly already.
This trip was the first time I stayed at Mama and Papa's house without Papa living there too. It was really hard going and doing the "normal" things we always do without him there.
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Because he should be here. At Mama and Papa's house. With us. With Mama.
He should have tagged along on our shopping trip with all "the girls" to buy us a special treat for each one his girls like he always does.
He should greet me with that smile in his voice that overflows to his eyes; squinting ever so slightly because he loves me that much. I should hear the gravel tone of his voice that I know as him.
I should hear the recognition in his voice - in the way he says my name - that he knows me.
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I should hear him say my name. The way he always says it... with clarity, joy and familiarity. "My Dana!" he would always say so sweetly.
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Instead, right now my face does not bring light to his eyes and joy to his voice. My name no longer bringing to life our unbreakable bond, our memories...his love for me.
Instead I feel unrecognized.
In fact it is more than a "feeling". Today I was unrecognized.
I am not known. Although I know he still loves me and our 28 year bond of love and cherished memories but....he does not remember them. Or me.
It's not so much that I am sad he doesn't remember my name itself.
It is that today he can't reference the years of love and laughter that made us Dana and Papa. He doesn't remember our relationship.
It is that today he can't reference the years of love and laughter that made us Dana and Papa. He doesn't remember our relationship.
Our stories. Our adventures. The countless lessons he taught me through simply living his life of sacrifice, honor, love, and perseverance.
I will remember them for him.
I will store our journey in my heart, in my mind, and in boxes or in my external hard drive (pictures).
I will share our stories, I will remind our family of his love on days when we can't feel that from him because of the disease.
I will try to be a testament to his example. I will pass on the charming and unique grand-papa adventures that framed my childhood and built my future's foundation.
I will live by his example of endurance and strength.
I will ask God every day to help us to continue his legacy of life, selfless sacrifice and most of all: LOVE. -
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I love you, Papa. I'm already missing you.
living abundantly,
DayDay
For more info on Alzheimer's Disease and how to help: https://www.alz.org/abam/#takeAction
