family and friends sure are neat

What gets me up in the morning, you ask? My peeps, thats who. Relationships. Its what's for dinner. Or rather, its whats for the blog topic. Anywho....

My family and friends are the best thing in my life. Plain and simple. Relationships are life. Life is relationships. And I have some pretty awesome relationships with my family and friends. 

When I tell someone about my story and my chronic illness, I sense pity. And I totally get it. It is natural. It is a sad tale of a young girl plagued with many illnesses that make each illness worse. I spend a lot of time in hospitals and miss so many life events but yet pity is not what I need, its not what I want, and it isn't what I deserve. 

What I mean by this is that yes, I have several serious chronic illnesses that will change my life forever and make my journey difficult. Some days I question every. thing. in. my. life. I question my faith. I question my purpose. I question the reasons for my continued struggle through illness. I question the point of it all. I question everything. 

But one thing I never question. And I truly mean NEVER, is my family and friends. I genuinely mean this with every ounce of my heart and being....I don't deserve these incredible gifts. Because that is what they are...pure gifts. 

Some people are blessed with good health and take that for granted. Some people are blessed without the burden of financial stresses and take that for granted. And me...I sometimes take for granted the amazing people in my life. I take for granted that not all people have a family that sticks by them, supports their every endeavour, encourages them in the dark times, and most of all selflessly and unconditionally loves them no matter how many mistakes you make or how little gratitude you show. I have that. I truly do. I want my family and sweet friends to know that I acknowledge your efforts to love me despite myself. I acknowledge all that you sacrifice so I don't have to go through this painful journey alone. I accept and believe that you will love me.THIS is a gift. The best gift I will ever get. 

I am also blessed with positive and healthy friendships. Not all friendships and relationships are healthy or good for us. I have had these types of friendships. The toxic ones. But I also have had the best and loyal friendships that I can imagine exist on this Earth. 

The kind of friends that let me live with them so I can try being independent again. The kind of friends that know my dark, my ugly, my broody and still love me. The kind of friends that find my lame, weird humor funny. The kind that of friends that love me even though I am a natural hermit and talk to myself. So....yeah. I have the kind of friendships that I see in movies. The kind you can say anything to and they know your heart. 

The kind of friendships that change a life and alter the course. 

Are these relationships perfect? Are we perfect to each other, perfect people? Heck no. Family and friendship relationships take some effort and a lot of grace and love. Grace. Lots of that. 

I can't even think of the words that I might say or write to every one in my life that makes my life sweet, special and worth fighting yucky chronic illness for. Without all of you...I just can't even think about it. 

Thanks my peeps. Shout out to my homies. Nothing but love for my homies. See? I still got it. Cool. Hip and with it. 

living abundantly,

dana

finding my place

One of the most difficult parts of being hospitalized for long amount of times, long recovery times, being sick, ect is the "assimilation period". Ah yes, I just used a fancy word. I just wanted to dazzle you with my vocabulary words. So be dazzled. Be impressed. I read books!

Anywho, back to my fancy shmancy "assimilation period". All I mean is the transition back into the "real world". It is difficult to describe what it is like to try and live with "the normal folk",  do all of the medical stuff that is now my responsibility (and completely overwhelming), to try and keep up with everyone else, AND to try and smile while doing it. 

Gosh. I really want to smile. I really want to keep up. I really want to fit. 

But I'm different. I don't fit. I don't know where I should be or go from here. I can't foresee the future or even know if I will be healthy enough to make any plans or make any unrealistic new year's resolutions. 

And see? There I go again. Losing the smile. Not fitting. Nobody wants to hear about how I can't find where my illness ends and where I begin. You see, my illnesses and I used to be separate but lately we have merged and I can't find me. 

And nobody in the 'real world' wants to hear about how exhausted I am and how terrified I am of the future. That is just not good party conversation. I used to be able to turn it off. But now that is all people ask me about and yet I sense they don't want to really know the answer. 

And I get it. That's not exactly fun to talk about. HELLO, Dana Downer. Welcome to the party! ...As they are mentally making notes to never invite Dana Downer back. 

So I need to smile. I need to pretend its not a big deal. I need to have it under control so I can fit. So I can have a place too. 

Where is the balance? Being real and authentic while at the same time not being a Negative Nancy? I'm exhausted even thinking about it. 

I want a place, I want to fit. But right now I feel like I stepped out of a time machine back into real life and everything has changed while everything is the same. 

Emotions are hard. Dealing is hard. Whether you are dealing with chronic illness, relationship issues, financial issues, family issues…the list goes on. Its a matter of finding your place. Believing people when they accept you. Accepting the love they give. 

The worst feeling in the world is to be surrounded by people and yet feeling like you are alone or watching through glass. You see them, they see you, but you don't really interact. 

I am fighting this battle daily. Not allowing the glass to separate me. Reminding myself the glass isn't real. Refusing to allow my illnesses to isolate me. This is hard.  

Having faith that God will overcome this battle too. 

living abundantly,

Dana