I struggled with this post, y'all. I wrestled with whether this post should have been written. I wrestled with whether or not it would be positive for me and positive for others. Once the post was written, I then struggled with pressing 'publish' (to all you non-bloggers....that is just the fateful button that sends your heart's words into the interwebs for all to see. YIKES).
I sat with it. I prayed (a little). And I sat some more. I almost deleted the post exactly four times. Yes, I counted.
And then, God spoke to my heart through so many of you. Through your concern, the outpouring of support, and your love. I then was overwhelmed with how to let each of you know the status of my physical health and the status of my heart and spirit. I am also overwhelmed with gratitude that so many of you care! Truly, it is healing. So Update! Here we go.
Grab a snack. Y'all know how word-y I am. I wouldn't want any of you to get hangry (hungry+angry) and leave me hate messages.
On with the show.
So here I am. Here we are again. Back in the throws of some tough life stuff. Back in the throws of some medical "stuff". This "stuff" being another major surgery...this one in the chest.
Technically a 'vagotomy'. Sure, google it. The Cliff notes are: the surgeons go in through the chest (right side for me) and clipped my Vagus nerve in two places around my esophagus. Requiring the ever exciting chest tube. FUN TIMES.
I have that surgery, thinking things are now going to be all hunky dory and I end up back in the hospital because I am having chest pain and trouble breathing.
We end up finding (in perfect timing) that the surgery caused blood clots (yes, plural) in my lungs and arm. Yes, it's pretty much as scary as it sounds.
Yet another time in which God saved my life and sometimes it leaves me questioning why do I deserve yet ANOTHER chance to get this life thing right? Not for me to know, I assume. Not yet anyway.
All of this amounting to about another 3 weeks in the hospital and an added two weeks at home trying to rebound. I don't give up. I will never give up. But GOSH. I'm kind of tired of this whole song and dance.
Not going to lie to you peeps...I was terrified. And now I am frustrated. Frustrated that I find myself here. But also frustrated with myself. Why can't I be more gracious, more grateful....when all I find myself is ticked off that here we are again.
I find myself wondering what could be the point THIS TIME? What could I possibly learn from yet another situation like this?
'Um hello, Dana. Its not about you.'
'Oh but it sure feels like it is! I am the one suffering!'
'But it's not. Sorry.'
'Well there's something to think about.'
Yeeeeeeeeaaa-yuuuuup. Something to think on. It stinks when it's not about me. ;)
I am praying God makes this path and this purpose CLEAR and right smack in front of me. Because I am not sure of my role. I am not sure of His plan. But one thing I am SURE of is my God and His promises. So I do trust Him. I do. I just get shaky in the knees sometimes and I need some steadying.
Thankful that every time I start to float away, every time I get caught up in what is "wrong", I have a permanent anchor in God. He IS bigger than illness, no matter how big and all-consuming illness can be. He IS bigger than heartache. He DOES take the most heart-wrenching situations and bring beauty. He grounds me. He holds me close. He gives me security in the most insecure and scary situations. I no longer trust my physical body...guess what....it fails. I do however, trust the One who made me. He made me this way and I accept this challenge....with His help of course.
I pray He can bring some beauty to your struggles too. It isn't always immediate and it isn't always easy to spot at first. But beauty is there. He is there.
living abundantly,
dana
