"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."
-Psalm 73:26
Disclaimer: I am not a Bible scholar. Phew, glad we got that cleared up. Anywho.
I'm an upfront girl, pretty direct, you see. Writing is my way of working things out in my mind and heart. An escape. Kind of like a runner, its their time to decompress, to say (even if it is just to themselves) whats going on in their heart or to just distract themselves. Anywho, writing is my thing. (It also helps to update all family and friends on the dana sickness rollercoaster.)
My putting this scripture (See top of page: Psalm 73:26) up does not mean that I am totally cool with my crippling chronic illness. No, its not cool at all. In fact, I'm pretty ticked and exhausted.
BUT I believe every beautiful word of these promises in this scripture and all scripture. They are the promises I hold dear to, the promises that I whisper during long nights in the hospital or during pain thats uncontrollable.
These are our promises that were made years and years ago specifically for me and for you too. Pretty cray cray, right? (Yes, I used cray cray in a sentence) I put all my stock in that all this pain and suffering is NOT for nothing.
However, I'm struggling. Is it wrong to want normalcy? Is it wrong for me to lose sight of these promises? To lose faith? To wonder if somehow I was forgotten and left here alone to deal with unimaginable circumstances?
But I can't lose my hope in the Lord. Its all I have. Oh God, please help me.
This is me, honest, raw, and in so much physical pain. God knows me and my struggles and doubts and loves me despite myself. But I need hope, God. And each second that passes, I lose some more hope.
I need You. Please.
I am a real person. I do not handle this perfectly and with "such grace". I struggle every second of every day.
And what breaks my heart even more, is that there are so many others in the world that face this same holding on to dear life for hope due to this tough life stuff. God, I beg of you, heal our hearts and restore our hope so we can forge ahead and overcome these circumstances.
Sweet family and friends, please help me not to lose heart. And I pray that same prayer for you too. We can't lose our hope. #chronicillnesssucks
P.S. I apologize if this doesn't make sense. I am awake and cannot sleep and I needed to lay down my burdens/share my burdens with loved ones. Hopefully, this will encourage you to do the same. We need each other. We need our communities. Hold on tight and love with all you have.
living abundantly despite this admittedly horrible day/weeks,
Dana
