I always try to be as real and honest as I possibly can on this here blog. It's my space to share my heart and I feel that this is my platform (however small or big) and I am not afraid to share my journey.
MY journey. Not to be confused with others' experiences with chronic illness or anything else. :)
So Imma get real about getting real.
Being "real" is hard. It means humbling yourself and letting people know that you aren't perfect. That you don't live your life like some novel or movie with a perfect ending. That you don't handle every situation with grace and love. That you struggle with faith. That you cry out to God and ask"WHY?" and when you get no answer, you feel heartbroken and lost.
But I feel in order to relate to others, in an authentic way, we must be honest. Since I have chosen to share my story, it might as well be a memoir and not fiction.
So. Real. Honest. Chronic Illness.
Being REAL and HONEST means showing my dark. Showing the days that are hard. That I don't "choose" joy every moment of every day. That I am not always grateful for this experience. That sometimes I get MAD with God. REAL MAD.
Yeah, I said it. I get mad with God. But more than angry with him, I go all cold shoulder on him. This has always been my defense mechanism with relationships, so it shouldn't surprise me that this is what I do when God and I are at an impasse.
When I start to listen to my dark instincts to turn away, I know its going to be a tough ride. I'm stubborn. And I have an incredible ability to compartmentalize and turn off my emotions.
And sometimes, not feeling, being numb...is so much easier than coming to terms with reality.
This means turning off my emotions, turning away from positive friends and family, and most of all, turning off ALL communication with God.
And here is where choice comes in.
I do NOT have a choice in whether or not I will get better or get sicker. Is that fair? Nope. Is it sad that I am a 26 year old with more hospital stays and surgeries than I can count? Yep. Its sad.
BUT
Here is what I have learned (and still learning every day): I can choose to be numb and turn away from everyone I love and the God that loves every part of me because I am ticked off. Because "Its not fair". But I am a big girl now. I can't feel sorry for myself anymore like others feel sorry for me.
I have learned people can't choose circumstances, but we choose how to react, we choose how to view it, we choose how to portray it, and we choose how to go on and live life.
Do I believe if I pray and think about sunny beaches that I will become a miraculously healthy 26 year old? Not really. (gasp). Don't read that wrong. I believe my God is capable of healing and doing whatever he pleases. He is powerful and compassionate at the same time. He commands authority but yet knows my heart and holds me close. He is so much more than chronic illness and heartache. Yet, I am not healed. Here I am, still holding the burdens of heartache and illness.
BUT
I believe that God gives me the capacity to continue to have empathy for others despite my natural nature to be bitter and cold. He has given me a heart for people and purposes that I never knew I was capable of. I am capable of love and grace. THAT is God, my friends.
That is the miracle here. That is the story here. I am still physically here on this Earth but more than that, my compassion is still here. My heart is still intact and capable of being empathetic towards others and feeling desires to help and serve others.
It is a miracle I am not a hateful, angry, and numb girl ignoring everyone in the world and also turning away from my God that never gives up on me.
I pray I never give up on love. It really is the miracle story. That is what chronic illness has taught me.
Chronic illness has taught me that God changes hearts. Circumstances are circumstances. I have chronic illness and it is my biggest challenge. But here I am, loving and persevering.
That is the miracle.
I was just REAL with you peeps. I do have dark but most of all, I still have light.
living abundantly,
Dana
