the late and great update

Obviously, I have been a little absent on the blog lately. There are many “reasons” for that. Most of those “reasons” are excuses and I sorta, kinda, really feel like it’s lame of me to cop out. 

So yeah. Thinking about thinking and writing about my so-called-life has been a non-negotiable for me lately. AKA I am not negotiating with anyone, mainly myself, about writing and then “publishing” my feeeeeeelings on the interwebs. Because my feeeeeeeelings aren’t very uplifting for anyone, really. 

But lucky for all of you peeps (my mom and my friend Tara) I have decided to grace my own blog with my OWN presence. I know, I know. I’m practically Mother Theresa with my giving spirit and general generosity. 

Anywho. Update. So since August, I have been in the hospital about 7-8-ish times. Each for different reasons, each for something a little more serious or something new and fun to add to my diagnoses resume.

Por ejemplo (impressed with my espanol?) I think I told you’s guys about my pulmonary emboli. Right? Blood clots in zee lungs? Coumadin? Ringing a bell?

WELL. So here’s what happened after that; I then had a massive bleed, lost most of my blood, had some blood and platelet transfusions, spent some time in an ICU, subsequently felt bad ass (excuse my French), then come to find out my blood volume won’t recover, something is wrong with my bone marrow….and squeeze in a few hospitalizations for DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis) a few times and there you find me here….

Typing on my fancy shmancy new computer in my not so fancy shmancy hospital room. 

Yaaaas honey, you read that right, I am back in the hospital. And this time its for my “severe anemia” and being in DKA. Again. It is truly a blast.

Not really. Please do not try this at home. 

There you have it. An update. I do promise I will write something other than health updates when I get the chance and I get the heart to share. 

Disclaimer: Guys, I am truly exhausted and not really sure how much information is “too much” and not sure how much people really want to know. I find myself hanging in the balance of overshare and being overly guarded and protective over something I do need love and encouragement with. This is, after all, my blog so I can write about whatever I please. BUT I do also want to have an identity that is separate from my illness. I can feel us merging into one and I don’t know how I feel about that. 

So here it is. If you want to know more or more details, feel free to ask. 

I am also incredibly grateful by your continued interest in how I am doing. It really is overwhelming and encouraging in the best way. My family and I also appreciate and need your prayers. This is a very exhausting and draining marathon of sorts. We appreciate you cheering us on and going to the Father in prayer and asking for his aid for my family and I. It becomes so difficult to ask for prayer and help for yourself and therefore all of you offering it without asking for anything in return, means the world. 

As always, my family and I believe our God is bigger than this and will get us through all of this, step by step. We do appreciate you walking beside us in it. Truly the biggest blessing. Keep on faithful abundant life readers! We love you! 

A silly/fun memory from Thanksgiving....

living abundantly,

Dana 

a health and heart status update

I struggled with this post, y'all. I wrestled with whether this post should have been written. I wrestled with whether or not it would be positive for me and positive for others. Once the post was written, I then struggled with pressing 'publish' (to all you non-bloggers....that is just the fateful button that sends your heart's words into the interwebs for all to see. YIKES).

 I sat with it. I prayed (a little). And I sat some more. I almost deleted the post exactly four times. Yes, I counted.

And then, God spoke to my heart through so many of you. Through your concern, the outpouring of support, and your love. I then was overwhelmed with how to let each of you know the status of my physical health and the status of my heart and spirit. I am also overwhelmed with gratitude that so many of you care! Truly, it is healing. So Update! Here we go.

Grab a snack. Y'all know how word-y I am. I wouldn't want any of you to get hangry (hungry+angry) and leave me hate messages. 

On with the show. 

So here I am. Here we are again. Back in the throws of some tough life stuff. Back in the throws of some medical "stuff". This "stuff" being another major surgery...this one in the chest. 

Technically a 'vagotomy'. Sure, google it. The Cliff notes are: the surgeons go in through the chest (right side for me) and clipped my Vagus nerve in two places around my esophagus. Requiring the ever exciting chest tube. FUN TIMES.

 I have that surgery, thinking things are now going to be all hunky dory and I end up back in the hospital because I am having chest pain and trouble breathing. 

We end up finding (in perfect timing) that the surgery caused blood clots (yes, plural) in my lungs and arm. Yes, it's pretty much as scary as it sounds. 

Yet another time in which God saved my life and sometimes it leaves me questioning why do I deserve yet ANOTHER chance to get this life thing right? Not for me to know, I assume. Not yet anyway.

All of this amounting to about another 3 weeks in the hospital and an added two weeks at home trying to rebound. I don't give up. I will never give up. But GOSH. I'm kind of tired of this whole song and dance.

Not going to lie to you peeps...I was terrified. And now I am frustrated. Frustrated that I find myself here. But also frustrated with myself. Why can't I be more gracious, more grateful....when all I find myself is ticked off that here we are again.

I find myself wondering what could be the point THIS TIME? What could I possibly learn from yet another situation like this? 

'Um hello, Dana. Its not about you.'

'Oh but it sure feels like it is! I am the one suffering!'

'But it's not. Sorry.'

'Well there's something to think about.'

Yeeeeeeeeaaa-yuuuuup. Something to think on. It stinks when it's not about me. ;) 

 

 

I am praying God makes this path and this purpose CLEAR and right smack in front of me. Because I am not sure of my role. I am not sure of His plan. But one thing I am SURE of is my God and His promises. So I do trust Him. I do. I just get shaky in the knees sometimes and I need some steadying.

Thankful that every time I start to float away, every time I get caught up in what is "wrong",  I have a permanent anchor in God. He IS bigger than illness, no matter how big and all-consuming illness can be. He IS bigger than heartache. He DOES take the most heart-wrenching situations and bring beauty. He grounds me. He holds me close. He gives me security in the most insecure and scary situations. I no longer trust my physical body...guess what....it fails. I do however, trust the One who made me. He made me this way and I accept this challenge....with His help of course. 

I pray He can bring some beauty to your struggles too. It isn't always immediate and it isn't always easy to spot at first. But beauty is there. He is there. 

living abundantly,

dana

plans and things.

So here's the thing about plans...I love them. 

I love a good planner. I adore a good five year plan. I absolutely THRIVE on to-do lists. And you guessed it, I don't know what to do without a good budget and a graph as a visual. 

So you can imagine my trepidation of life outside the lines, a little in the grey. 

Well, that is actually giving myself a little too much credit. I get anxiety and sweaty pits when I can't CLEARLY see the next few months in the form of bullets and lists. 

Yikes. I sound like a party, huh? 

Yeah, I am a real bag of fun on a Friday. "Exxxxxcuuuuusseeeeee meeeeee, what are the PLANS for the ev-uh-ninnnng??" That's me. Planning Paula. Oh and not in a fun way, but 'where is the outline and do we have fun and food planned?' kinda way. Because obviously, if we are going to have fun, it needs to be on the agenda. Duh. 

Before you go ex-ing out of my blog screen.... HOOOLLLLLD UP. 

I do realize this is not reality, living in this fantasy to-do list. Making sure I check off goals and itemize all my lists with color coded tabs. (YES, I did that once. Okay twice. Okay more than twice.)

If life is to be lived, I need to be present in the moment. I need to be content. 

Yowza. Six months ago, even typing those sentences about being content would have sent me straight into a cardiac event that would only have been remedied by a check-list of remedies provided by the Mayo Clinic or some other reputable clinic. I. Kid. You. Not. I am a special kind of crazy. I like to think its endearing. Yeah? 

  So where is this going, you ask? Well. I have PLANS for this post. haha. Jokes. 

Okay. Serious time. (Sorta)

God has this way of getting my attention, reaching me in a way that is specific to me. It is not always painless and I don't always respond in the way I imagine I should. I can be stubborn. 

I have always had a certain plan for my life. I wouldn't say I was one of those girls that knew by the age of 10 that they wanted to be a wife and mom. Actually, I never even aspired to that in high school or college. Not that there is anything wrong with doing so, I was just focused on other goals. 

Goal 1: Prove myself to myself...and others.

Goal 2: Be successful  

Goal 3: Graduate from undergraduate college and Graduate school

Goal 4: Be wildly successful and the best at whatever I do. Seriously. I am crazy.

Goal 5: Be independent.  Financially so and in all other ways. I am fiercely stubborn about being able to handle things myself. So much that when I just cannot handle it on my own, I get frustrated, upset, and downright hard on myself. Like I have somehow failed in life by simply asking someone for help. THE WORLD IS OVER, someone helped me with my laundry or gave me a ride somewhere.

So as you are surmising, I hope, these are not attainable goals. Sure, sure they are 'reachable' goals. Nothing too crazy up in those goals. But in the context of enjoying life and enjoying my family and friends. That just won't cut it. Uh uh. I've tried tirelessly, like a hamster on a wheel, to make those goals "liveable" and "loveable". 

But try as I might, I couldn't change my ways. When I didn't get something right, in my eyes, in the right time, I would just be heartbroken. For example, my health. We all know the story (if you read my blog...like at all). It comes in to play here because my illnesses have just plain GOT IN THE WAY of my five year plan. The nerve. 

I was brokenhearted about this for months, no perhaps years. I wanted to finish graduate school with my friends that I started with, and go off and find a job that I loved (because I do happen to love Speech Language Pathology) and move on to phase 4 of "the plan". Buy something. Like a house or a car. 

Ohhhhhh no. Not how it happened. Not. At. All.

And at first I fought back HARD, like a toddler fighting sleep. And they do fight sleep like champs. Yes. This I know. ;) 

I'm still going to do this MY way, God. I won't let some silly illnesses bring me down. I am the CHAMPION of proving people wrong. Its like a challenge. 

But alas, this time God made it clear. (I will explain more later.) Dana, you need to chill out, sister. CHILL OUT. Have you not noticed all the beautiful things I have blessed you with? Family? Friends? Love? Laughter? 

And yet here I was asking for more, more, more. And more of what? Unimportant things. Success. Social Status. Others' opinions of me. Money. Materialistic things. Intellect. Things of this world. 

I'm not saying its bad to have a solid job. Its GREAT to have that. Provision for your family is paramount. I was just measuring my self-worth by my success in this world. By my job offers. A possible 401K. Benefits. Oh yeah, and what everyone thinks of what I have done with my time and gifts. 

God says I can't take any of that with me. He cares NADA about my benefit plan. About my yearly income. About whether or not I rent or own my house or whether I even live on my own! 

Ouch. 

All these years, all these efforts.....and the One I am to be living my life for, the One who created me, the One who has bailed me out of hard times, time and time and time again..... He. Doesn't. Care. About. Things. of. This. World. 

I am supposed to be living my life for an audience of One. When it turns out...I have been living for an audience of many. That hurts. Wake.Up.CALL.

So I began this journey of living in the grey. Living in the "not so sure my life plan" zone. It was TERRIFYING and emotionally exhausting. Constantly battling thoughts of failure and "not amounting to anything". I have been through times of sadness and times feeling completely free. 

My life is not what I thought it would be, but gosh, it is SO much better. I can't wait to share with everyone how God has redeemed this "situation" and most of all, how He has redeemed and saved a girl clutching to a planner like life-support. 

I still have a planner. Don't get me wrong. I am just plain flighty without it. But through the next few posts, hopefully you will see the change and the freedom that comes with letting God lay out our five year plan, one day at a time.

living abundantly,

dana

recycling - the blog version

Recycling is good for the environment. 

Yep. 

I saw a recycling can outside of someone's house today (true story). It made me think.... recycling stories, testimonies, REAL life stuff (not to be confused with fake life stuff)...is good for the soul. 

Now before you silently disagree with me or click away from the page because this crazy lady is talking about garbage cans...let me explain. 

I am NOT saying new, authentic stories and testimonies are not Ah-mazing. Because they are. These new movements are evidence that our God is an active and ever-present God. 

What I AM saying is this...

It is good for our soul, our faith, our hope, and our relationship with Christ -- to not only remember what He did on the cross for us and what He has done in just our lives but to also recycle, re-use, share, and carry in our hearts the stories of our God and all of his people. To take the "old" stories (even if they are only a day old), make them reproducible, redistribute and reuse. Never waste a good, true, and genuine God/life/love story. Never.

SO

Carry that story about the sweet young guy (hypothetical) you saw on Facebook who was dealt tough circumstances --Remember how God redeemed his situation, changed his heart, re-directed his life and then went on to make an eternal impact. 

The miracle stories are memorable and powerful. But don't count the every day stories as useless. -- the testaments - truths about tough life stuff, hardships, and pain - and how a person was able to transform their attitude, radically change their path, and gain the courage to dream big for God. All of these stories then inspire us to dream big and allow God to write us into the ultimate story that He is writing. (Spoiler Alert: God overcomes the world.) 

These stories -- whether heard from the Bible, a blog, a book, a neat video with cool camera angles or just by word of mouth - revive our spirits. Your story will encourage others and give you strength and faith when you feel lost. 

So let's recycle. Retell and remember your personal story and others' stories. Remember those times you didn't think you could last another day and then -- God threw you a sturdy lifeline. Retell the miracle story you heard or witnessed. Big, small, joy, pain, heartache, sickness, love, healing ---God is in your story. Share it. 

Carry these in your heart. Reignite faith in your community.

In the spirit of recycling, here is a part of my story (a chapter, if you will) that I wrote in 2011 for another blog (Bloom by Nicole!)  as a guest blogger. I have never shared it on my blog, so here it is. I want to hear your stories. I want to feel inspired by God, through you. 

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Tuesday October 11, 2011 - Lessons Learned Guest Series on Bloom the Blog

I love Tuesday.  I get the chance to share amazing stories and beautiful women with you.  This week I bring you sweet, Dana.  I found this girl only a few months ago and her blog is one I never skip over.  She’s got a hilarious sense of humor and a remarkable outlook on life.  This story will leave you in chills. -Nicole

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Hey guys! I’m Dana and I blog over at the abundant life blog.

I was so excited when Nicole asked me to guest post in her ‘Lessons Learned’ series! After she asked me, I was overwhelmed with possibility. I have learned SO many lessons over the years. God has brought me through so many tough trials and taught me so many lessons during those tough days.

So after some thinking and some praying (two very important things to do before writing a very personal blog post), I decided on a lesson that I learned not long ago. A lesson that was so powerful, and so ‘in yo face’, I decided how could I not share it?

So in order to share this lesson with you fine peoples, I must share some of my story, Its very integral to the lesson, you see.

I have grown up with chronic illness. Pancreatic disease. I was one of those ‘sicky kids’. You know the ones. The ones who missed weeks of school and their heroes came in the form of sweet nurses and all-powerful doctors? Yeah, that was me.

Its okay, you don’t have to feel sorry for me. That’s not the point of this here story.

My chronic illness caused me to get sicker and sicker. So in April of this year, I decided to have a transplant surgery. A very innovative and new surgery. Also, a very dangerous surgery.

We prayed and we prayed that this surgery would be the ticket to the healthy life I dreamed about.

So eventually the decision was made. I would have this scary surgery. It would be my answer. We trusted God had led us to this surgery.

Ladies (and possibly gentlemen), I wish I could put into words what came next. It truly was unfathomable. The scariest/darkest/worst time for my family and I. However, this time ended up being an amazing display of God in a room full of dumbfounded doctors/scientists -- declaring it a miracle. 

A few days after my transplant surgery, things started to go downhill. I had major complications. I had major internal bleeding originating from the liver and portal vein (found that out later) and had emergency surgery. The doctors didn’t know if I would make it through the night. I then slipped into a coma for days.

And that is when my family saw a miracle.

 As I lay in the hospital bed dying, people from all over the country and world (crazy right? I can’t even believe it) prayed that I would wake up. People I had never met. People that some how (hello, God) heard my story and prayed for me.

And these are just people that I have pictures of! There were so many more not pictured that reached out in many different ways.

They prayed big. They prayed boldly. They prayed prayers of expectation. They prayed with the knowledge that God would show up. That He would bring the big guns. That He would part the seas.

And He did.

God showed up. I woke up several long days later - after these amazing people got down on their knees, wherever they were and prayed a bold prayer. With the knowledge that our God saves. That He is an active God.

Doctors could not save me (and I know this sounds dramatic, but its just what happened). They could not get me to wake up and at the time they did not understand why I wasn't waking up or improving. When my turnaround started, they were simply in awe and honestly, a little confused. But even my surgeons could only explain it as a miracle.

So what I ask myself is this, why do I not pray big every day?

Since I know my God is an active God and I know from experience He answers prayers, why do I not pray boldly each day?

Hm. 

I can pray these big prayers every day. I don’t have to wait for another literal life-saving moment to pray to my God. He listens every day. I should pray with expectation and assurance. I should have faith that He can and will (in his way, in his timing) part the seas of my daily struggles. Because that is who my God is. He is a God of miracles and a God of compassion.

Let’s pray big today.

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So that's just a piece of the pie. If you know me or read my blog, you know there is no miracle cure for my illnesses. I will be pain free one day. But until that day, I hope to continue to learn and grow from my struggles. I have gone through hell and back, struggled with regret and sadness, and LEARNED so much since I wrote this post. But my WORD. Its all true, y'all. This story, whether it happened yesterday or 25 years ago, it is a story of our active God. 
My blog also chronicles some of my struggles since this guest post was written --- those stories I also carry in my heart pocket to pull out when I need courage. 

Recycling - Sharing - Reviving 

It's the name of the game, peeps. 

living abundantly,

Dana

family and friends sure are neat

What gets me up in the morning, you ask? My peeps, thats who. Relationships. Its what's for dinner. Or rather, its whats for the blog topic. Anywho....

My family and friends are the best thing in my life. Plain and simple. Relationships are life. Life is relationships. And I have some pretty awesome relationships with my family and friends. 

When I tell someone about my story and my chronic illness, I sense pity. And I totally get it. It is natural. It is a sad tale of a young girl plagued with many illnesses that make each illness worse. I spend a lot of time in hospitals and miss so many life events but yet pity is not what I need, its not what I want, and it isn't what I deserve. 

What I mean by this is that yes, I have several serious chronic illnesses that will change my life forever and make my journey difficult. Some days I question every. thing. in. my. life. I question my faith. I question my purpose. I question the reasons for my continued struggle through illness. I question the point of it all. I question everything. 

But one thing I never question. And I truly mean NEVER, is my family and friends. I genuinely mean this with every ounce of my heart and being....I don't deserve these incredible gifts. Because that is what they are...pure gifts. 

Some people are blessed with good health and take that for granted. Some people are blessed without the burden of financial stresses and take that for granted. And me...I sometimes take for granted the amazing people in my life. I take for granted that not all people have a family that sticks by them, supports their every endeavour, encourages them in the dark times, and most of all selflessly and unconditionally loves them no matter how many mistakes you make or how little gratitude you show. I have that. I truly do. I want my family and sweet friends to know that I acknowledge your efforts to love me despite myself. I acknowledge all that you sacrifice so I don't have to go through this painful journey alone. I accept and believe that you will love me.THIS is a gift. The best gift I will ever get. 

I am also blessed with positive and healthy friendships. Not all friendships and relationships are healthy or good for us. I have had these types of friendships. The toxic ones. But I also have had the best and loyal friendships that I can imagine exist on this Earth. 

The kind of friends that let me live with them so I can try being independent again. The kind of friends that know my dark, my ugly, my broody and still love me. The kind of friends that find my lame, weird humor funny. The kind that of friends that love me even though I am a natural hermit and talk to myself. So....yeah. I have the kind of friendships that I see in movies. The kind you can say anything to and they know your heart. 

The kind of friendships that change a life and alter the course. 

Are these relationships perfect? Are we perfect to each other, perfect people? Heck no. Family and friendship relationships take some effort and a lot of grace and love. Grace. Lots of that. 

I can't even think of the words that I might say or write to every one in my life that makes my life sweet, special and worth fighting yucky chronic illness for. Without all of you...I just can't even think about it. 

Thanks my peeps. Shout out to my homies. Nothing but love for my homies. See? I still got it. Cool. Hip and with it. 

living abundantly,

dana