One of the most difficult parts of being hospitalized for long amount of times, long recovery times, being sick, ect is the "assimilation period". Ah yes, I just used a fancy word. I just wanted to dazzle you with my vocabulary words. So be dazzled. Be impressed. I read books!
Anywho, back to my fancy shmancy "assimilation period". All I mean is the transition back into the "real world". It is difficult to describe what it is like to try and live with "the normal folk", do all of the medical stuff that is now my responsibility (and completely overwhelming), to try and keep up with everyone else, AND to try and smile while doing it.
Gosh. I really want to smile. I really want to keep up. I really want to fit.
But I'm different. I don't fit. I don't know where I should be or go from here. I can't foresee the future or even know if I will be healthy enough to make any plans or make any unrealistic new year's resolutions.
And see? There I go again. Losing the smile. Not fitting. Nobody wants to hear about how I can't find where my illness ends and where I begin. You see, my illnesses and I used to be separate but lately we have merged and I can't find me.
And nobody in the 'real world' wants to hear about how exhausted I am and how terrified I am of the future. That is just not good party conversation. I used to be able to turn it off. But now that is all people ask me about and yet I sense they don't want to really know the answer.
And I get it. That's not exactly fun to talk about. HELLO, Dana Downer. Welcome to the party! ...As they are mentally making notes to never invite Dana Downer back.
So I need to smile. I need to pretend its not a big deal. I need to have it under control so I can fit. So I can have a place too.
Where is the balance? Being real and authentic while at the same time not being a Negative Nancy? I'm exhausted even thinking about it.
I want a place, I want to fit. But right now I feel like I stepped out of a time machine back into real life and everything has changed while everything is the same.
Emotions are hard. Dealing is hard. Whether you are dealing with chronic illness, relationship issues, financial issues, family issues…the list goes on. Its a matter of finding your place. Believing people when they accept you. Accepting the love they give.
The worst feeling in the world is to be surrounded by people and yet feeling like you are alone or watching through glass. You see them, they see you, but you don't really interact.
I am fighting this battle daily. Not allowing the glass to separate me. Reminding myself the glass isn't real. Refusing to allow my illnesses to isolate me. This is hard.
Having faith that God will overcome this battle too.
living abundantly,
Dana
2 comments:
You’re right, THE GLASS IS NOT REAL!
Sensing that people aren’t truly interested in your answers to their questions about your illness is, I believe, their lack of understanding or their inability to know what to say. I bet they want to say something that would “make it all better”. For that reason alone, I think that your blog is so incredible about explaining. You have deep feelings and concerns about your future. We don’t have to all be the same to “fit” or to belong.
Right now, you are trying to learn a very difficult routine for your health. When you discover the best way, the healthiest way, to consistently manage your health; you will feel better and you will be better. In life, no one has it all together. Pretending to, is harmful. God has put people in our lives to help with the struggles we face. Family and friends, etc., are gifts that we have to make it through this life without having to be alone. I also have been around lots of people and yet felt so alone and isolated. In those times, I had to carefully choose the people I felt comfortable being vulnerable with. I am so thankful that I learned that, because I was not strong enough individually to handle this on my own. We don’t have to “do life” on our own. We have to trust in the people God put in our life to help us. We cannot shut people out. This life is too hard to do it alone.
Your blog is so incredibly helpful for us to START to understand. We understand better when you let us in. Thank you.
Concentrate FIRST on learning your job right now (learning the BEST, most effective way to stay healthy). Take one day at a time.
Matthew 6:34
New International Version (NIV)
34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of it’s own.
THEN DAVID PUT HIS HAND IN HIS BAG AND TOOK OUT A STONE; AND HE SLUNG IT AND STRUCK THE PHILISTINE IN HIS FOREHEAD, SO THAT THE STONE SANK INTO HIS FOREHEAD, AND HE FELL ON HIS FACE TO THE EARTH. (1 SAMUEL 17:49 *NKJV)
We all face something in our lives that seems just like the giant Goliath did to David. So just as David did, we put our trust in the Lord, and trust in the people God put in our lives, and we will be victorious as well. Vulnerability is scary but at the same time is powerful because you know, really, it’s just putting your faith in the One that can help. It’s not giving up, it’s giving it to Him to help.
I love you and again, THE GLASS IS NOT REAL! ☺
Your realness is beautiful. Praying for you!
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