recycling - the blog version

Recycling is good for the environment. 

Yep. 

I saw a recycling can outside of someone's house today (true story). It made me think.... recycling stories, testimonies, REAL life stuff (not to be confused with fake life stuff)...is good for the soul. 

Now before you silently disagree with me or click away from the page because this crazy lady is talking about garbage cans...let me explain. 

I am NOT saying new, authentic stories and testimonies are not Ah-mazing. Because they are. These new movements are evidence that our God is an active and ever-present God. 

What I AM saying is this...

It is good for our soul, our faith, our hope, and our relationship with Christ -- to not only remember what He did on the cross for us and what He has done in just our lives but to also recycle, re-use, share, and carry in our hearts the stories of our God and all of his people. To take the "old" stories (even if they are only a day old), make them reproducible, redistribute and reuse. Never waste a good, true, and genuine God/life/love story. Never.

SO

Carry that story about the sweet young guy (hypothetical) you saw on Facebook who was dealt tough circumstances --Remember how God redeemed his situation, changed his heart, re-directed his life and then went on to make an eternal impact. 

The miracle stories are memorable and powerful. But don't count the every day stories as useless. -- the testaments - truths about tough life stuff, hardships, and pain - and how a person was able to transform their attitude, radically change their path, and gain the courage to dream big for God. All of these stories then inspire us to dream big and allow God to write us into the ultimate story that He is writing. (Spoiler Alert: God overcomes the world.) 

These stories -- whether heard from the Bible, a blog, a book, a neat video with cool camera angles or just by word of mouth - revive our spirits. Your story will encourage others and give you strength and faith when you feel lost. 

So let's recycle. Retell and remember your personal story and others' stories. Remember those times you didn't think you could last another day and then -- God threw you a sturdy lifeline. Retell the miracle story you heard or witnessed. Big, small, joy, pain, heartache, sickness, love, healing ---God is in your story. Share it. 

Carry these in your heart. Reignite faith in your community.

In the spirit of recycling, here is a part of my story (a chapter, if you will) that I wrote in 2011 for another blog (Bloom by Nicole!)  as a guest blogger. I have never shared it on my blog, so here it is. I want to hear your stories. I want to feel inspired by God, through you. 

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Tuesday October 11, 2011 - Lessons Learned Guest Series on Bloom the Blog

I love Tuesday.  I get the chance to share amazing stories and beautiful women with you.  This week I bring you sweet, Dana.  I found this girl only a few months ago and her blog is one I never skip over.  She’s got a hilarious sense of humor and a remarkable outlook on life.  This story will leave you in chills. -Nicole

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Hey guys! I’m Dana and I blog over at the abundant life blog.

I was so excited when Nicole asked me to guest post in her ‘Lessons Learned’ series! After she asked me, I was overwhelmed with possibility. I have learned SO many lessons over the years. God has brought me through so many tough trials and taught me so many lessons during those tough days.

So after some thinking and some praying (two very important things to do before writing a very personal blog post), I decided on a lesson that I learned not long ago. A lesson that was so powerful, and so ‘in yo face’, I decided how could I not share it?

So in order to share this lesson with you fine peoples, I must share some of my story, Its very integral to the lesson, you see.

I have grown up with chronic illness. Pancreatic disease. I was one of those ‘sicky kids’. You know the ones. The ones who missed weeks of school and their heroes came in the form of sweet nurses and all-powerful doctors? Yeah, that was me.

Its okay, you don’t have to feel sorry for me. That’s not the point of this here story.

My chronic illness caused me to get sicker and sicker. So in April of this year, I decided to have a transplant surgery. A very innovative and new surgery. Also, a very dangerous surgery.

We prayed and we prayed that this surgery would be the ticket to the healthy life I dreamed about.

So eventually the decision was made. I would have this scary surgery. It would be my answer. We trusted God had led us to this surgery.

Ladies (and possibly gentlemen), I wish I could put into words what came next. It truly was unfathomable. The scariest/darkest/worst time for my family and I. However, this time ended up being an amazing display of God in a room full of dumbfounded doctors/scientists -- declaring it a miracle. 

A few days after my transplant surgery, things started to go downhill. I had major complications. I had major internal bleeding originating from the liver and portal vein (found that out later) and had emergency surgery. The doctors didn’t know if I would make it through the night. I then slipped into a coma for days.

And that is when my family saw a miracle.

 As I lay in the hospital bed dying, people from all over the country and world (crazy right? I can’t even believe it) prayed that I would wake up. People I had never met. People that some how (hello, God) heard my story and prayed for me.

And these are just people that I have pictures of! There were so many more not pictured that reached out in many different ways.

They prayed big. They prayed boldly. They prayed prayers of expectation. They prayed with the knowledge that God would show up. That He would bring the big guns. That He would part the seas.

And He did.

God showed up. I woke up several long days later - after these amazing people got down on their knees, wherever they were and prayed a bold prayer. With the knowledge that our God saves. That He is an active God.

Doctors could not save me (and I know this sounds dramatic, but its just what happened). They could not get me to wake up and at the time they did not understand why I wasn't waking up or improving. When my turnaround started, they were simply in awe and honestly, a little confused. But even my surgeons could only explain it as a miracle.

So what I ask myself is this, why do I not pray big every day?

Since I know my God is an active God and I know from experience He answers prayers, why do I not pray boldly each day?

Hm. 

I can pray these big prayers every day. I don’t have to wait for another literal life-saving moment to pray to my God. He listens every day. I should pray with expectation and assurance. I should have faith that He can and will (in his way, in his timing) part the seas of my daily struggles. Because that is who my God is. He is a God of miracles and a God of compassion.

Let’s pray big today.

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So that's just a piece of the pie. If you know me or read my blog, you know there is no miracle cure for my illnesses. I will be pain free one day. But until that day, I hope to continue to learn and grow from my struggles. I have gone through hell and back, struggled with regret and sadness, and LEARNED so much since I wrote this post. But my WORD. Its all true, y'all. This story, whether it happened yesterday or 25 years ago, it is a story of our active God. 
My blog also chronicles some of my struggles since this guest post was written --- those stories I also carry in my heart pocket to pull out when I need courage. 

Recycling - Sharing - Reviving 

It's the name of the game, peeps. 

living abundantly,

Dana

family and friends sure are neat

What gets me up in the morning, you ask? My peeps, thats who. Relationships. Its what's for dinner. Or rather, its whats for the blog topic. Anywho....

My family and friends are the best thing in my life. Plain and simple. Relationships are life. Life is relationships. And I have some pretty awesome relationships with my family and friends. 

When I tell someone about my story and my chronic illness, I sense pity. And I totally get it. It is natural. It is a sad tale of a young girl plagued with many illnesses that make each illness worse. I spend a lot of time in hospitals and miss so many life events but yet pity is not what I need, its not what I want, and it isn't what I deserve. 

What I mean by this is that yes, I have several serious chronic illnesses that will change my life forever and make my journey difficult. Some days I question every. thing. in. my. life. I question my faith. I question my purpose. I question the reasons for my continued struggle through illness. I question the point of it all. I question everything. 

But one thing I never question. And I truly mean NEVER, is my family and friends. I genuinely mean this with every ounce of my heart and being....I don't deserve these incredible gifts. Because that is what they are...pure gifts. 

Some people are blessed with good health and take that for granted. Some people are blessed without the burden of financial stresses and take that for granted. And me...I sometimes take for granted the amazing people in my life. I take for granted that not all people have a family that sticks by them, supports their every endeavour, encourages them in the dark times, and most of all selflessly and unconditionally loves them no matter how many mistakes you make or how little gratitude you show. I have that. I truly do. I want my family and sweet friends to know that I acknowledge your efforts to love me despite myself. I acknowledge all that you sacrifice so I don't have to go through this painful journey alone. I accept and believe that you will love me.THIS is a gift. The best gift I will ever get. 

I am also blessed with positive and healthy friendships. Not all friendships and relationships are healthy or good for us. I have had these types of friendships. The toxic ones. But I also have had the best and loyal friendships that I can imagine exist on this Earth. 

The kind of friends that let me live with them so I can try being independent again. The kind of friends that know my dark, my ugly, my broody and still love me. The kind of friends that find my lame, weird humor funny. The kind that of friends that love me even though I am a natural hermit and talk to myself. So....yeah. I have the kind of friendships that I see in movies. The kind you can say anything to and they know your heart. 

The kind of friendships that change a life and alter the course. 

Are these relationships perfect? Are we perfect to each other, perfect people? Heck no. Family and friendship relationships take some effort and a lot of grace and love. Grace. Lots of that. 

I can't even think of the words that I might say or write to every one in my life that makes my life sweet, special and worth fighting yucky chronic illness for. Without all of you...I just can't even think about it. 

Thanks my peeps. Shout out to my homies. Nothing but love for my homies. See? I still got it. Cool. Hip and with it. 

living abundantly,

dana

finding my place

One of the most difficult parts of being hospitalized for long amount of times, long recovery times, being sick, ect is the "assimilation period". Ah yes, I just used a fancy word. I just wanted to dazzle you with my vocabulary words. So be dazzled. Be impressed. I read books!

Anywho, back to my fancy shmancy "assimilation period". All I mean is the transition back into the "real world". It is difficult to describe what it is like to try and live with "the normal folk",  do all of the medical stuff that is now my responsibility (and completely overwhelming), to try and keep up with everyone else, AND to try and smile while doing it. 

Gosh. I really want to smile. I really want to keep up. I really want to fit. 

But I'm different. I don't fit. I don't know where I should be or go from here. I can't foresee the future or even know if I will be healthy enough to make any plans or make any unrealistic new year's resolutions. 

And see? There I go again. Losing the smile. Not fitting. Nobody wants to hear about how I can't find where my illness ends and where I begin. You see, my illnesses and I used to be separate but lately we have merged and I can't find me. 

And nobody in the 'real world' wants to hear about how exhausted I am and how terrified I am of the future. That is just not good party conversation. I used to be able to turn it off. But now that is all people ask me about and yet I sense they don't want to really know the answer. 

And I get it. That's not exactly fun to talk about. HELLO, Dana Downer. Welcome to the party! ...As they are mentally making notes to never invite Dana Downer back. 

So I need to smile. I need to pretend its not a big deal. I need to have it under control so I can fit. So I can have a place too. 

Where is the balance? Being real and authentic while at the same time not being a Negative Nancy? I'm exhausted even thinking about it. 

I want a place, I want to fit. But right now I feel like I stepped out of a time machine back into real life and everything has changed while everything is the same. 

Emotions are hard. Dealing is hard. Whether you are dealing with chronic illness, relationship issues, financial issues, family issues…the list goes on. Its a matter of finding your place. Believing people when they accept you. Accepting the love they give. 

The worst feeling in the world is to be surrounded by people and yet feeling like you are alone or watching through glass. You see them, they see you, but you don't really interact. 

I am fighting this battle daily. Not allowing the glass to separate me. Reminding myself the glass isn't real. Refusing to allow my illnesses to isolate me. This is hard.  

Having faith that God will overcome this battle too. 

living abundantly,

Dana 

a day in the life...

Over the years, I have been asked so many different questions about my chronic illnesses, my surgeries, hospitalizations, my childhood with illness, and so on. But one consistent question I have been asked is something to the effect of "What is it really like living with chronic illness?". 

And the answer to that question really will be unique to each and every person with chronic illness. Even if two people have the same diagnosis, I can almost guarantee you that their experiences will be different. Sure, there will be similarities and can relate to one another, but their experiences will be their own. 

I have thought long and hard about what I might say in a post like this. How do I put what its really like to be me, in words that are relatable and genuine...but not depressing. Because depressing wouldn't really do my experiences justice. It's more than sad, its more than frustrating and its more than positive attitudes and faith in God and his will and plans. 

How do I describe my experiences? Well, in short, there is no simple or perfect way.

 I figured a good place to start might be to just describe what my days look like, right now, living with my chronic illnesses. I emphasize 'right now' because what I'm going through now, is so so different than even 6 months ago. Good and bad. 

So. Each day I have a very extensive and specific medication regimine. Not including my diabetic injections and routines, I take over 40 medications twice a day, each day. My dream is to one day not need all of the medications, but to be honest, they save my life. I can't run from help. I spent a lot of my younger years doing that. In my hoping and dreaming that I didn't need all of the medicine, I actually probably made it worse. That was a tough realization.

Anywho, what was I saying? Oh, yes. A day in the life of me. Not too exciting but you asked, so I tell. :)

Not all pictured. Just to give you an idea. 

I get up, take my morning meds by a certain time. I then take my blood sugar, prepare the long acting insulin via syringes and then the fast-acting insulin, separately. And before you ask, yes I have been evaluated for an insulin pump and will be trained on a new one soon. However, that will only take care of the short-acting…the long-acting is separate. Exhausting and wordy….I KNOW. 

So then. I have to eat within 15 minutes of all the insulin. BUT before then, I have to take enzymes to digest my food and  to get any kind of nutrients out of my food. I don't have a pancreas…the pancreas produces these enzymes along with insulin….you get the idea.

And that is with every time I eat too. Blood sugar testing, insulin shots, and enzymes. 

I have to write down all these fun blood glucose numbers AND how much insulin I am treating these with. Also, I have to write down all I eat and count carbohydrates like its my job. I then have to fax this information to my doctor every 3 days because I am such a brittle diabetic. My insulin dosages change frequently.

I know. EXHAUSTING. All consuming. I often wonder... 'when will I ever think of anything other than BG numbers, carbohydrates, insulin, are my numbers too high or too low?' and 'Oh GOSH am I going to pass out in public??' (that's embarrassing and happened a couple of times, BT-dubs)

Blast. Are you tired of this game yet? Oh, its not over. Rest your eyes, get a cup of water, check your facebook and then feel free to rejoin me.  :)

So. As some of you may know, I have what is called a PegJ tube. This is a surgically placed feeding tube placed in my jejunum (top of the intestines). I have this because of my chronic ulcers, malabsorption and some other digestion issues. I have to have my nutrients and hydration placed in this tube. This is a semi-permanent tube.

the BOXES of medical supplies and medications. Yes, boxes. 

I have never talked about my J-tube on my blog because honestly…I am very self-conscious about it. Its not exactly glamorous. But hey, I'm over all that now. Hey world! I have a J-Tube! Aren't I the coolest?! Yeah. You know the answer to that.

Boxes of medication/nutrition for J-tube

Anywho, I have to take very careful care of the J-Tube because the J-tube is in a more sensitive place then other feeding tubes. I am at a higher risk for infection and perforation (fun, huh?). So I have to change dressings at least twice a day and flush the tube 4 times a day. Awesome.

Not to mention, actually running the tube which attaches me to a really neat IV-type pole thing-a-ma-bob.

After I make it through a day of counting, cataloging, and taking medication….I then transition into night mode. Which basically means REPEAT all of the above. No, I'm not kidding.

Sometimes, its more exhausting being out of the hospital than in one. Obviously I would prefer to be at home but it is definitely a full-time job right now. Some of these things will change and get easier and some of them won't. 

I just do what I do, do everything I can to keep myself healthy and leave the rest to God and the doctors. 

So that's that. Its definitely overwhelming and somedays I totally fail. Like fall flat on my face, FAIL. But somedays, I seriously verbally praise myself. Because come on, its an accomplishment! Yay me! 

I am just grateful that there IS something I CAN do to make my situation better. Is there a cure? No. Will I probably be back in the hospital some day soon-ish? Maybe. Most likely. 

But that's okay. Today, I have faith that God will equip me to handle those issues and struggles on that day. 

A reason to smile. 

And this picture…just to make your day. Because it. is. pure. hilarity. 

Josh's 30th Birthday Dinner! Bahaha. 

I have almost made it to Christmas without a hospital stay! Let's do this.

living abundantly,
Dana 

check out the new digs...

So I finally decided to update the ole blog's look! I figured the old girl deserves a makeover after being such a loyal and dedicated friend for these past years. ;) 

So Yay! Exciting! 

I decided to keep it simple and clean, nothing too busy or hard to read. I hope you like the new digs! 

I'm also planning on doing some more update posts along with the updated new look. So get excited! 

I have much to update all of you on and of course lots of stories and such. :) 

Wooohooo blogging!

So take a look around and check back for more updates and changes! I am still working on some things, so if you have any suggestions - leave a comment or email me! 

living abundantly,

Dana 

tour de hospital

So lately I have decided to take a lengthy and complete tour of all the hospitals within a 250 mile radius from my home. And I plan to do this as a patient to, you know, get a real feel as to the quality of patient care and facility efficiency. 

I know, HOW FUN RIGHT? 

Its been a real bag of chuckles and fun. 

So obviously I am being painfully humorous and sarcastic as a way to somehow make you not feel sorry for me. Haha. Because even I want to throw a pity party for myself. Like a really big pity party. I will invite everyone I know and even peeps I don't know. Like all my Facebook "friends" too. Everyone come! Don't forget the Whine and cheese! 

Sincerely, Negative Nancy. 

Okay, we got that over with. Now with the medical and life update for my family and friends that so sweetly express concern and follow my ever winding medical story. The ups and downs are surely making even you get a little motion sick. But you have been so dedicated to my family and I. You have continued to pray for me and love me...even though I am so undeserving and at times, ungrateful. 

But I assure you, each of you mean so much to me and I continue to pray for all of you and your struggles and fears. Because we all have them. None of us are immune, unfortunately. 

It seems I have drawn one of the shorter straws when it comes to health this year (not THE shortest, but pretty short-ish). 

Geeeez you guys. I cannot pretend that I am not frustrated and at times really sad. I am in the hospital again as I write this and I have been SO much this year. For so many different reasons. I have been in and out of the hospital for weeks at a time - pretty much consistently since last spring. 

I have missed every holiday, birthday, and everything fun this year. I live in a hospital bed and my friends come in the form of nurses, doctors, and my very dedicated family. I am grateful for good care and that I am still here. I really am. But guys..I want to LIVE. Really live. 

You see, when you spend copious amounts of time in hospitals, you have time to dream up big dreams and write down goals and lists of fun things you want to do "once we get past this hurdle". But the hurdles keep coming and the hospital stays never stop. 

I want to drive my car again, to go to the grocery store and shop for myself, go visit friends, get a coffee  and read a good book (not while in a hospital bed), be present at friends' birthdays and fun life events, I want to go out to eat!!, I want to take my bike and ride in parks again, run again, use the degree I worked so hard for..I want to work! Yes, I dream for these small things. I dream for the "normal" life stuff.

I know we all have struggles. And at times, this is comforting but mostly it just breaks my heart. I don't want anyone to struggle and suffer like me. If it were just me that had heartbreaking setbacks, fears, and dreams unmet…I could take it. Its just knowing your heart is breaking too…that breaks mine even more. 

But I do believe that our God is bigger than these hospital walls, bigger than financial burdens, bigger than life lost, illness, relationship stresses and all human suffering. 

He has given me dreams bigger than this life and a heart that cares for others. I know He hears me and has not forgotten me. But most days, I feel forgotten. 

So I am humbly asking, if you pray, please pray for my spirit. Its pretty downtrodden. 

A prayer for you and me…God please continue to give us strength and that our faith will not falter on these tough days. I know we all live with fears and heartbreaks of our own. Whether big or small, suffering is suffering.

 I cannot hold it together without faith and the precious people God has put in my life. I am so grateful for those people, especially on days like today. They help me remember that God has not forgotten me and never will. 

living abundantly,

Dana

Health update for everyone. Oh, and a few words on hope.

"My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever."

 -Psalm 73:26

Disclaimer: I am not a Bible scholar. Phew, glad we got that cleared up. Anywho.

I'm an upfront girl, pretty direct, you see. Writing is my way of working things out in my mind and heart. An escape. Kind of like a runner, its their time to decompress, to say (even if it is just to themselves) whats going on in their heart or to just distract themselves. Anywho, writing is my thing. (It also helps to update all family and friends on the dana sickness rollercoaster.) 

My putting this scripture (See top of page: Psalm 73:26) up does not mean that I am totally cool with my crippling chronic illness. No, its not cool at all. In fact, I'm pretty ticked and exhausted.

BUT I believe every beautiful word of these promises in this scripture and all scripture. They are the promises I hold dear to, the promises that I whisper during long nights in the hospital or during pain thats uncontrollable. 

These are our promises that were made years and years ago specifically for me and for you too. Pretty cray cray, right? (Yes, I used cray cray in a sentence) I put all my stock in that all this pain and suffering is NOT for nothing.

However, I'm struggling. Is it wrong to want normalcy? Is it wrong for me to lose sight of these promises? To lose faith? To wonder if somehow I was forgotten and left here alone to deal with unimaginable circumstances?

But I can't lose my hope in the Lord. Its all I have. Oh God, please help me. 

This is me, honest, raw, and in so much physical pain. God knows me and my struggles and doubts and loves me despite myself. But I need hope, God. And each second that passes, I lose some more hope.

I need You. Please.  

I am a real person. I do not handle this perfectly and with "such grace". I struggle every second of every day. 

And what breaks my heart even more, is that there are so many others in the world that face this same holding on to dear life for hope due to this tough life stuff. God, I beg of you, heal our hearts and restore our hope so we can forge ahead and overcome these circumstances.

Sweet family and friends, please help me not to lose heart. And I pray that same prayer for you too. We can't lose our hope. ‪#‎chronicillnesssucks‬

P.S. I apologize if this doesn't make sense. I am awake and cannot sleep and I needed to lay down my burdens/share my burdens with loved ones. Hopefully, this will encourage you to do the same. We need each other. We need our communities. Hold on tight and love with all you have. 

living abundantly despite this admittedly horrible day/weeks,

Dana