It's a long story

It's been awhile. I hope you all know I appreciate all of the support you have all given me over the years on my blog and also just in general with your prayers and love for my family and I. It keeps me going. Forreal. Some of you have asked for updates on my health and my life....here goes! 

So, what's been up with me lately? It's a long story. But if you bare with me, I am going to try and tell this long story of mine. A summarized version of course. 

We will pick up about a year ago, when things were going well and I thought I was on the road to a more "normal" existence. As you all know (or if you don't, check out my story link), none of my illnesses have a "cure" per say. So I am in it for the long haul. However, I keep hoping with all hope that the dramatic health scares, hospital stays and setbacks will slow down so I can just live this life of normalcy I have dreamed up in my mind. Well I was thinking this would have been the year. Not so much but it's okay. Really, its okay. 

Anywho. Last summer I started to have some significant pain again but I tried and failed at pretending it wasn't happening and that it would go away. Not a really good coping strategy but hey, I'm not perfect. That pretending and dealing with daily pain lasted until about September when my body had had enough. The ole bod staged a resistance and I was admitted into the hospital, once again. 

As you may remember, after my total pancreatectomy and islet cell transplant surgery, I have had many complications. One of those being ischemic ulcers. Google it if you want the nitty gritty but basically it is very painful necrotic tissue death (ulcerations) around internal surgery sites. My ischemic ulcers did not respond to any treatment the doctors tried. I was in 2 different hospitals for over a month, very medicated and very hopeless. 

Long story short, I ended up needing another big surgery to repair and remove this ongoing problem. This surgery would be taking place at another hospital, this one 3 hours from our home. The surgeon who did my original surgeries would be performing this one because she would be "revising" pretty much my entire digestive system. 

The hard part was is there was no guarantee that this surgery would even help. It was just my last hope. Not to mention, I have had multiple surgeries...making each one more dangerous and difficult to recover from. I hesitated, I cried, I got angry but in the end I had no choice. I had to put my life at risk to save any hope for quality of life. 

The week after Thanksgiving 2016 I was readmitted to the hospital and preparations for the next big surgery began. I was terrified this time. I had literally never had a major surgery without very serious, life-threatening complications. 

I had the surgery that next week and afterwards it was the most pain I think I have ever been in. And I have felt pain before. I did not suffer any life-threatening complications right after surgery like in the past. Thank you, Jesus. 

However, I did have great difficulty recovering and remained in the hospital for about a month. I had several setbacks but was hoping to be out by Christmas. My hope was realized when I was discharged on the 23rd of December. Once I got home, I got sick right away (on Christmas Eve) and had to be taken to the ER by ambulance. There they decided I was too critical to be at the local hospital and transferred me back to the larger hospital, 3 hours away. I spent Christmas in the hospital with my mom and our family of nurses. It was so hard to be away from my family on a day we cherish celebrating together. But I was grateful to be where I needed to be in order to get better. Thankfully I was released soon after, once we had treated the scary infection. I could tough the rest out at home. I was so thrilled to be going home again. 

Little did I know, the recovery at home would be 10 times harder than anything I had been through. Yes, the physical pain and recovery was almost more than I could bare but the mental battle that felt more like an all out war was where the real trouble set in. 

I will spare you most of the boring details but I spent about 4 months trying to recover from this surgery. There were a lot of hurdles to jump during that time, one of them being extreme malabsorption causing malnutrition. Every single one of my life-giving vitamin levels were extremely deficient. I could not get out of bed, my hair started falling out, I was so pale I was almost see-thru, I was so weak that I coudn't even pick up my phone and so many other fun symptoms. Oh and I also broke my knee because my bones were so weak, when I fell down one time (not hard) it just cracked. My doctor said I was literally starving to death, even though I was eating. 

I had just had it. I was exhausted physically and in pain and I was struggling to find the will to fight any longer. The mental battle was just something I couldn't imagine fighting anymore. 

Thank the Lord for my amazing doctors (one of them being Dr. Eli Penn, he's my hero) who figured out that I needed a different level of enzymes to help absorb nutrients from my food. I was given nutritional supports, infusions and an alarming number of vitamin supplements. It took about a month but I finally started feeling like a human again. 

Truly, I can not put into words how amazing, beautiful, glorious, terrific and all the good it is to be feeling like an actual human. Being able to get out of bed, go do things on my own again, work again, play with my dogs again, spend time with my family and friends again, go to the store again...is something I am so grateful for I could cry happy tears. In fact, I have. 

Yesterday, I cried happy tears as I got good reports and high-fives from my doctors. My levels are back within normal range, my A1C is within normal range and I am no longer in pain. Only because of God and his constant faithfulness and goodness. 

Now don't be fooled, I have to work for this "normal". Medications, supplements, routines, exercise, doctor's appointments and strict diet....but at least I am given the opportunity to work for a good day. My days don't look like everyone else's but I am just so dang happy to be living a life. 

I will most likely have setbacks to come and some tough days but I am okay with that. I am intentionally grateful for this moment, for this day. With God, I can handle what is to come. We always do. 

I know this update has been long-winded but there was much to share. And this is the short version! Hopefully, I will get to updating more often. Again, I am so grateful for each of you and how much you have loved me through this past year and every year. You make the path worth walking. 

living abundantly,

Dana 

I'm already missing you

My papa has dementia. Progressive dementia caused and complicated by many things; a traumatic brain injury when he was younger being one of those things. He is a true hero. A survivor. A miracle. After proudly serving his country in the military, surviving a major car accident and coma, being shot when he was serving in the military, surviving sepsis...he continued on with strength. Because of these things, his dementia looks a little different than a typical Alzheimer's patient.

Visiting Papa this last trip was so very hard on my heart. He is now living in a separate home than Mama (my grandmother), his lifetime love, because of the progressive dementia. This trip was different...visiting him in his new home and reminding me yet again of our family's struggle to love him while he is still "here" and yet miss him so badly already. 

This trip was the first time I stayed at Mama and Papa's house without Papa living there too.  It was really hard going and doing the "normal" things we always do without him there. 

Because he should be here. At Mama and Papa's house. With us. With Mama. 

He should have tagged along on our shopping trip with all "the girls" to buy us a special treat for each one his girls like he always does. 

He should greet me with that smile in his voice that overflows to his eyes; squinting ever so slightly because he loves me that much. I should hear the gravel tone of his voice that I know as him.

I should hear the recognition in his voice - in the way he says my name - that he knows me. 

I should hear him say my name. The way he always says it... with clarity, joy and familiarity. "My Dana!" he would always say so sweetly. 

. 

Instead, right now my face does not bring light to his eyes and joy to his voice. My name no longer bringing to life our unbreakable bond, our memories...his love for me. 

Instead I feel unrecognized. 

In fact it is more than a "feeling". Today I was unrecognized.

I am not known. Although I know he still loves me and our 28 year bond of love and cherished memories but....he does not remember them. Or me. 

It's not so much that I am sad he doesn't remember my name itself.

It is that today he can't reference the years of love and laughter that made us Dana and Papa. He doesn't remember our relationship.

Our stories. Our adventures. The countless lessons he taught me through simply living his life of sacrifice, honor, love, and perseverance. 

I will remember them for him. 

I will store our journey in my heart, in my mind, and in boxes or in my external hard drive (pictures). 

I will share our stories, I will remind our family of his love on days when we can't feel that from him because of the disease. 

I will try to be a testament to his example. I will pass on the charming and unique grand-papa adventures that framed my childhood and built my future's foundation.

I will live by his example of endurance and strength. 

I will ask God every day to help us to continue his legacy of life, selfless sacrifice and most of all: LOVE. -

I love you, Papa. I'm already missing you. 

living abundantly,

DayDay

For more info on Alzheimer's Disease and how to help: https://www.alz.org/abam/#takeAction 

yassss honey

theabundantlife is getting some long overdue updates as we speak!

Literally.

As we speak. 

Until then....follow my social media to keep up with all things abundant.  

Twitter: yayitsdayday

Instagram: @yayitsdayday

Snapchat username: @yayitsdayday

kids these days.

Kids these days. I mean, am I right or am I right? 

I'm considering teaching an unofficially, official class on how to not completely ruin your grandmother's opinion of her darling grandchild and oh yeah...how to not completely ruin your chances of getting a big boy/girl job one day. 

Chapter 1 of reading material for aforementioned class:

Social media as a Feelings Journal. 

Do not post your real feelings on Facebook. It is not a journal. Thats what they make JOURNALS for. GASP. WHAT?

Yes, actual paper and pen required. 

I know, I know. I'm old school. What can I say, I can always burn my feelings that I write down because they are definitely not in a 'cloud' or on a 'wall'. They are hidden in actual boxes (journals, y'all.). I can burn them quickly, if needed. Also, someone can find them when I am dead and gone and then I will be discovered for the real genius that I am.

I'm kidding.

Sort of. But only about the genius part. I am not kidding about Facebook and Twitter should not be used as your outlet for feelings. Your grandma probably doesn't want to know about your feelings on Doritos and Justin Bieber at 4am. Guess what, your future possible employers don't want to either. And they are judging you. And moving on to the next applicant. Just sayin'. 

Chapter 2: 

Pictures and "selfies":

Oh pictures. Why does nobody understand that snapchat is not so snappy and your photos and videos that you post online for all of your "friends" to see, your future possible employers to see and oh yeah, your grandma are sorta permanent and accessible to everyone. And by 'sorta' permanent and accessible, I mean completely permanent and accessible. Like really. I am not a conspiracy theorist, I am just dropping some knowledge. 

So selfies with half of your clothes off? Not for grandma. 

Pictures of you doing illegal things? Not good for job resumes. 

If you really must put some of your feelings on the interwebs, start a blog or something people only have themselves to blame for clicking on it to read your feelings or thoughts.

 But first, write it down in a journal, like paper and pencil. Then, take the time to type it up. Then edit it. THEN sleep on it. THEN think about if your grandma needs to read it. THEN think about if you ever want to apply for a job in the future. 

Like, ever. 

Then you can press publish. If you want. 

That is all. 

This has been a public service announcement provided by your old curmudgeon/nerdy friend, Dana. 

Because obviously, I only use selfies for important reasons. Like alerting my friends I forgot my makeup. Wisdom comes with age my friends. 

living abundantly,

dana 

interrogation tactics

I was one of those inquisitive kids. You know the ones. The ones that simply cannot and will not be satisfied with a simple answer to any question. Like, any question. 

Likely Scenario A:

Me: "But Mooommmmm, WHY do we have to eat vegetables?" 

Mom: "Because they are good for you." 

Me: "But WHY are they good for you?"

Mom: "Because they have healthy vitamins and they help your body work its best."

Me: "But.... WHY vegetables? Why not candy?"

Likely Scenario B: 

Me: "Dad, WHY do I have to do math if I don't like it?" 

Dad: "Because you might need it one day"

Me: "But why? I won't need math because I will have a job without math."

Dad: "Math is a part of every day life and you need to understand it."

Me: "But...Why? I don't see you or mom doing long division problems..."

It really is amazing that my parents still have their sanity. 

To be completely honest, I never grew out of this "inquisitive stage". It's more like a state of being for me. Satus quo. I like to know anything and everything about anyone and everything. I just can't help but ask questions; I want more details. I lovingly refer to these as my interrogation tactics. It's just my way of getting to know people. You know, a marketable social skill. 

Sorta like this....

"Where were you born?"

"Why is your hair straight?"

"Who is your mom's mom?"

"What is your view on recycling? Good thing? Bad thing? Waste of time? Neutral?" 

"What did you eat for a snack 2 weeks ago...?"

Yeah. I'm serious. 

I just. like. to. know. every. thing. 

So imagine my frustration when I get to a point in life where I start to "question it all". And I start to search out the answers to life. Because in my naivety I assume that I, Dana Whitfield, will find the answers. I know how to ask the questions! Interview and interrogate with persistence! 

Fear not humanity, Dana will find the answers. 

Um. No. 

Instead of answers, I found more questions. 

Despite my dear, dear love for questions, this did not please me. Questions as answers to questions....not cool. Not cool. 

Questions and questions upon questions...

 'Why is there so much pain? Why am I sick? Why are there children hurting? What is the point? What is the learning experience? How should I be doing this life thing better? What should my next exact step in life be?' 

And the question I find myself asking the most...

Why suffering? Why suffering? WHY SUFFERING? 

Seriously though, why? 

I have read plenty of books on the subject and I know the "answers" to this. There are no "answers"....no answer sheet that I can check for accuracy. (besides the Bible but even there...not always concrete)

 Holy frustrating, Batman! 

Enter faith. 

Faith. Hm. Interesting. 

Faith is believing and trusting in things unseen. Trusting God. Trusting that God does in fact have a master plan that somehow makes this fallen world and the terrible things that happen in it have a purpose. 

Faith and trust on this level are actions. Verbs. Consciously choosing faith in God and the people he created. It is something we choose to do each day. Or not to do each day. 

Here is something that you may or may not know about me, this part of the whole 'Christian equation' is not easy for me. I constantly struggle in making this daily choice of trust.

 I question everything, I ask why, and I am not satisfied. I am never content with knowing that some things just aren't to be known. Ever. It is a restlessness that is ever present. As you can imagine, I am not incredibly proud of this personal characteristic. But it just is. It isn't easy for me. Faith is never easy for me. 

I try to channel this inquisitive trait. Hoping and praying that God gave me this spirit of knowledge seeking and that He welcomes my "interrogations". I never stop searching and seeking and I believe it draws me closer to God and my faith. Most days. 

But on tough days like today, I struggle with not knowing why. Why suffering? Why?

I just don't know. No actual clue or reference that points to physical evidence.

What I do know-(ish) is this:

 Suffering never relents, takes no prisoners and is never biased in choosing its victims. Suffering is universal and occurs everywhere.

I know, know that God never relents and never fails. I trust that He is, therefore I trust that He will be. If He is foolproof, then so is His plan. 

Gotta hold on to that. 

living abundantly,

Dana 

smell ya later 2014

Today I was reading an old blog post from last January. Because naturally, on the first day of the year 2015, I was feeling all reminiscent.

 It was more or less hard to read because 2014 didn't deliver on some of the ways I hoped it would. I still struggle with some of the same things and my health status hasn't improved at all. 

But then again, in some ways, it was the best year yet! (I'm actually serious)

I'm pretty sure in 2014, I had more hospital stays than any other year. BUT I also had the longest stretch (from about March to July) of relatively good health....the best I have had in awhile. I lived life as a sorta "normal" human person and it was great. Not being defined by being sick or being known for being sick was really freeing and different for me. Each day not being in the hospital or being held back by my physical body was such a blessing that I can't really describe. 

But that wasn't the only good part of 2014 and it definitely wasn't this "perfect" time that held no struggles just because I felt less "sick". I am incredibly grateful for that time but I also don't want to paint an inaccurate picture or insinuate that if you are healthy, life is dandy. 

Anywho.

In 2014,  I met amazing new people that I am grateful for and can't imagine life without now. God was and always is, so faithful and good to me in this department. He places people in my life that are wonderful to me and change my perspective on all kinds of things. I also have really funny friends. So that is a plus. 

 I discovered new things about older friendships too. We went through tough life things and adjusted to new phases of life that change friendships and test their strength. Not easy, but I believe these tests are teaching me to be a better human and a better friend. I hope so, at least. 

This year I also had the gift of watching my nieces continue to grow into these precious little people with personalities and amazing little hearts. They are both so completely different but so incredible and hilarious. I hope they always know how special they are to me. 

I learned some intense lessons about the reality of life and some not-so-pretty things about myself and my human nature. There were transitions that I did not expect to have to ever make. I had to accept parts of my illness that do affect my every-day life yet also refuse to give in to letting it take over every part of me. I am learning about how to keep this balance every second, of every day. Work in progress. 

I am hoping 2015 brings better health and less stays in a hospital. However, most likely that will always be a part of my life in some way. Not being a Negative Nancy, just a Realistic Rachel. And I am okay with that. Most days. 

I know God has equipped me for this war, even if on most days I feel like I am losing every battle. 2015 will be a year with highs and lows, like every year. It won't be perfect but it will be a journey with a lot of beauty, blessings, tears, laughter, troubles, and triumph. Looking forward, not back and expecting a new, exciting and interesting year. Smell ya later, 2014.

Here we come 2015, ready or not! 

living abundantly, 

dana

the late and great update

Obviously, I have been a little absent on the blog lately. There are many “reasons” for that. Most of those “reasons” are excuses and I sorta, kinda, really feel like it’s lame of me to cop out. 

So yeah. Thinking about thinking and writing about my so-called-life has been a non-negotiable for me lately. AKA I am not negotiating with anyone, mainly myself, about writing and then “publishing” my feeeeeeelings on the interwebs. Because my feeeeeeeelings aren’t very uplifting for anyone, really. 

But lucky for all of you peeps (my mom and my friend Tara) I have decided to grace my own blog with my OWN presence. I know, I know. I’m practically Mother Theresa with my giving spirit and general generosity. 

Anywho. Update. So since August, I have been in the hospital about 7-8-ish times. Each for different reasons, each for something a little more serious or something new and fun to add to my diagnoses resume.

Por ejemplo (impressed with my espanol?) I think I told you’s guys about my pulmonary emboli. Right? Blood clots in zee lungs? Coumadin? Ringing a bell?

WELL. So here’s what happened after that; I then had a massive bleed, lost most of my blood, had some blood and platelet transfusions, spent some time in an ICU, subsequently felt bad ass (excuse my French), then come to find out my blood volume won’t recover, something is wrong with my bone marrow….and squeeze in a few hospitalizations for DKA (diabetic ketoacidosis) a few times and there you find me here….

Typing on my fancy shmancy new computer in my not so fancy shmancy hospital room. 

Yaaaas honey, you read that right, I am back in the hospital. And this time its for my “severe anemia” and being in DKA. Again. It is truly a blast.

Not really. Please do not try this at home. 

There you have it. An update. I do promise I will write something other than health updates when I get the chance and I get the heart to share. 

Disclaimer: Guys, I am truly exhausted and not really sure how much information is “too much” and not sure how much people really want to know. I find myself hanging in the balance of overshare and being overly guarded and protective over something I do need love and encouragement with. This is, after all, my blog so I can write about whatever I please. BUT I do also want to have an identity that is separate from my illness. I can feel us merging into one and I don’t know how I feel about that. 

So here it is. If you want to know more or more details, feel free to ask. 

I am also incredibly grateful by your continued interest in how I am doing. It really is overwhelming and encouraging in the best way. My family and I also appreciate and need your prayers. This is a very exhausting and draining marathon of sorts. We appreciate you cheering us on and going to the Father in prayer and asking for his aid for my family and I. It becomes so difficult to ask for prayer and help for yourself and therefore all of you offering it without asking for anything in return, means the world. 

As always, my family and I believe our God is bigger than this and will get us through all of this, step by step. We do appreciate you walking beside us in it. Truly the biggest blessing. Keep on faithful abundant life readers! We love you! 

A silly/fun memory from Thanksgiving....

living abundantly,

Dana